In my group of friends there are two girls who aren't seen much together. In fact when the group meets if one is going the other won't show.

Now, the reasons are somewhat understandable. There's a shared ex-boyfriend, some strained history, and maybe more I'm not aware of causing the avoidance. However, each time it happens someone (me included) will exclaim with exasperation. “This has got to end! They are being so petty!”

The question I ask myself is are these girls actually being petty, or are we just tired of dealing with the situation? There are definitely arguments for both sides, but maybe we're using the word “petty” wrong.

What is pettiness?

Petty in the dictionary is defined as “of small importance, trivial. Marked by narrowness of mind, ideas, or views. Marked by meanness or lack of generosity, especially in trifling matters.”

So, while my friends may be acting petty, they also may not be. I don't know the details or depth of the situation and by my deciding they're being petty, it may be making me judgmental and graceless.

But let's say they are actually being petty and trivial and mean-spirited. How do you deal with a person like that?

1. Be Humble

   Our best example is how to deal with pettiness is Jesus. The first response is found in Philippians 2:5-8. The Message paraphrase gives great insight into the importance of being humble and compassionate in the face of anger and hostility.

   Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what. Not at all. When the time came, he set aside the privileges of deity and took on the status of a slave, became human! Having become human, he stayed human. It was an incredibly humbling process. He didn't claim special privileges. Instead, he lived a selfless, obedient life and then died a selfless, obedient death—and the worst kind of death at that—a crucifixion.

   When we live in humbleness, we don't let pride get the best of us—even when we know we deserve to be treated better!

2. Don't Respond in Kind

   You know the old saying kill ‘em with kindness? That's actually biblical. Romans 12:18-21 (NIV) says:

   If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:
   “If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
   if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
   In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”
   Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

   When confronted with pettiness your response should be grace and love.

3. Ask for Advice

   Often when we're in the throes of conflict and pettiness we get wrapped up in it and lose focus. Proverbs 13:10 says we should do the opposite. “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice” (NIV). When you encounter a petty person instead of fighting back, seek advice. Ask others to help widen your perspective, maybe there's more to the story than you realize.

We're all guilty of being petty at one time or another and learning how to recognize when someone is being petty will help you react properly and diffuse the situation. Remember, it's probably not about you! Like an iceberg, there's always more going on beneath the surface of a person's actions than we realize. Once your response is guided by humbleness, grace, and wisdom you will find pettiness less and less frustrating.